Lights, camera, action! Ah, yes, a familiar refrain in these
parts.  Words that inspire and exhilarate as a starlet’s
eyes twinkle, a leading man palms his hair back and the clack
of a studio clapboard rings out.  We have seen this scene so
many times that we take it for granted that it is Hollywood but
we are in a darkened theater.  Oblivious to the future that
awaits us.  We are awaiting surprise, action, romance or fun.  
What shall it be?  Who would know?  Of course, the director
would and maybe the key grip but only the star can put all of
the nuances of a story together with mere facial expression.  
There is only one true star that carried all of these pretensions
and pretendings to its height, the indomitable, beautiful and
Linda Jean!

It was my extreme luck that landed me the part as the
chauffeur on her whirlwind tour of galas and premieres.  
Rocco, my boss, called me at my bungalow screaming about
his number one driver, Frederico, crashing into a bus and that
they had no one to drive their greatest client, Linda Jean, as
she makes her way through Southern California.  Here I am
up to my elbows in plumbing work and he is asking me if I
want to drive Hollywood’s biggest star around the most
beautiful part of the world!  I dropped my wrench, scrubbed
my fingernails raw and donned
my monkey suit before he
could say goodbye!

Imagine me, a $12 per hour chauffeur, having the privilege of
driving the lovely Linda Jean!  The star of stage and screen
will be directing me to “Turn Left!â€�  I could not wait!  Iâ
€™ve seen all of her movies!  â€œBetter Pasta than Your
Mom’sâ€� was one of my favorites!  â€œ
My Garden
Kicks Your Assâ€� was another.  Linda Jean…just imagine!

The itinerary stated that I was to pick her up at her swanky
resort in Phoenix at 8:00 AM sharp and drive her to
Hollywood for the late afternoon premiere at
Chinese Theater.  Her latest offering was a thriller in which she
played vixen, Victoria Vallerone, the girlfriend to Mafia Don,
Geno DeChancie.  Caught in a web of deceit and working for
the FBI she kills the Don in a final scene that had critics
exclaiming, “Linda Jean’s best work since “
Brother Tried to Stab Me!â€�  They gave her Best Actress
and Best Supporting Actress for the same role in that one!

I arrive at 7:32 AM with baited breath, sweaty palms and a
pie-eyed expression that had the doorman chuckling, “You
look like a star struck stalker!â€�  Little did he know…I was.

Fully expecting a large entourage to fill my twelve-passenger
CR-V, I was quite surprised to find that Linda Jean was only
with her co-star in the movie,
Diane DeLish.  Miss DeLish
was a star in her own right.  She captured audience’s
attention while playing a minor role in, “
Reunion Royale
€�  But her big break came when she played the lover in
Daniel Rush’s masterpiece, “
I Make Daddy Happy

I flew around the car to open the door for the lovely ladies,
only to be beaten to the punch by the doorman.  I bowed with
cap in hand as they ducked into the limo without any eye
contact.  They were stars and me…a driver.  I hustled to the
wheel and began to flabbergast about the honor bestowed on
me by their presence as Linda Jean sternly said, “Let’s
go!â€�  Exiting the resort and soon meeting up with the
highway we were now on our way to
Tinseltown, five and half
hours distant.
The ride was uneventful and a little tense as I could not get a
word in edgewise as they spoke amongst themselves about
leading men, gardens, buying big bras and paparazzi.  As we
passed the thousands and thousands of windmills in Indio she
actually spoke to me the first-time, “Where’s a
bathroom?â€�  I almost wrecked!  I am on her planet!  She
needs me!  I am actually useful to this brightest star in
Hollywood!  I responded that we could swing by Palm
Springs and maybe found one that was suitable for a star of
her magnitude.  She said, “Go to MacDonald’s.  Itâ
€™s just pee.â€�  Oh, she is so down to earth!

We finally make it,
Hollywood and Vine, one of the most
famous corners in the world!  Lana Turner was discovered
there, the
Hollywood Walk of Fame runs it course here and
Scientology abducts its members here.  People start crowding
around the Honda Limo trying to see what big star is here
now.  The tinted windows are Hollywood’s greatest need.

With flashbulbs popping we pull up to
Mann’s Chinese
Theater fashionably late.  The throng lunges forward as I pull
open the door and out steps the famous gams of
DeLish.  With a curtsy she spins to invite out Linda Jean.  The
crowd goes wild!  The Chinese Theater with all its history,
famous hand and footprints and huge premieres has never
seen anything like this!  Linda Jean pauses long enough to
have her
photo taken with one of her favorite co-stars
handprints, Dean Martin.  She and Dean were an item back in
the day and played opposite of each other in, “I Ask for
Roses You Bring Daisies.â€�  Martin and Lewis never
worked together again.

After the stunningly successful
premiere, Linda Jean demands
that we go to the
Hollywood Wax Museum to see some of
old friends.  Humphrey Bogart, the Beverly Hillbillies, the
M*A*S*H Unit and the cast of Bonanza are all there.  We
even ran into
Johnny Depp while outside!  He asked her to
star in his next movie, “Pirates of Pittsburgh.â€�  After a
shopping trip on
Rodeo Drive and a stop at the World-
Santa Monica Pier we head to the 3rd Street
Promenade for dinner and drinks.

They have started to warm up to me now as I have performed
the Herculean task of keeping the autograph seekers and
paparazzi at bay.  â€œHey Driver, open our champagne!â€�  
Hey Driver, get us more ice!â€�  They truly respect me!

After a comfortable stay at the incredible Bonaventure Hotel
in Downtown L.A., they filmed “True Lies� glass
elevator scene here, we head to the World-Famous
Beach for breakfast.  People here are used to celebrities but
Linda Jean is another story.  They haphazardly form a 400-
foot queue just to get her autograph as she sips mimosas at the
Book Store Restaurant.  She is so open and giving to sign
every single one even when one young creep keeps begging
her for a date.  She sees Muscle Beach, shops and eats ice
cream just like normal folk.

Along the way we’ve run into some of friends and co-
Russell Crowe, Tom Hanks, the Governator, Butch &
Sundance, and the Men in Black. She has worked with all the
old stars!  
Hugh Hefner is still trying to get her to pose for his

Our next premiere is at
Balboa Park in San Diego and we
have enough time to take the
breathtaking, scenic stroll down
the Pacific Coast Highway (US 1).  But first we stop at the
Mattel Toy Company in El Segundo, California to have her
photos taken so she can be made into
Barbie’s newest
doll friend.

We drive along the coast past the quaint hamlets and
ocean of towns like, Newport Beach, Del Mar, Cardiff By the
Sea and the incredible town of
La Jolla.  Here we stop for
along the ocean and shopping in its beautiful galleries.  
We have a real scare when
Diane is almost blown into the
sea!  But we recover enough to have these lovely shots taken.  
But in one of the fragrance shops, the paparazzi tracks Linda
Jean down and get some
photos of her that will surely end up
on the cover of People.  The poor girl cannot get a break!  
But she does allow me one
photo with her and I’m going
to have it framed.  Oh, and we found this
strange coincidence.

We have lunch at the
World-Famous Anthony’s and then
head to Balboa Park for her premiere.  Beautiful
Balboa Park
boasts nine museums and
acres of flowers.  As we stroll in the
magnificent multi-colored tile of the
Artisan Courtyard she
tries to talk to Diane into being the
Re-Bath Spokes Model.  
Linda Jean is the largest shareholder you know.

After another s
uccessful premiere in San Diego, Linda Jean is
ready for the 3-D attack,
dancing, dining & drinking.  We hit
clubs, learn some things, have hoopla and soon it is time to
Before & After photos.

My flash burned eyeballs are ready to give out and I have to
drive back to Phoenix.  I know this was one of the best
weekends I’ve ever have…again. Hanging with the  â
€˜Royalty of People‘ and a true shining star in the realms of
high-celebrity is something I’ll never forget.  Ms. DeLish
and Linda Jean get out of the car and pass me a fiver, I’m
selling it on ebay!

Dano the Driver