All that's left to do is put up the white, fake metal reindeer that my wife, everyone say it with me now, bought at
Walmart! And there are two of them! After negotiating the reindeer out of a box made for a squirrel, they can't
spend three more cents for a box that actually fits? The reindeer is so pretzel-ized, he looks like he just came
from a meat-packing company! After translating the instructions from Chinese to Spanish to English, I set it up
in the house before taking it outside.
I do it again for the second reindeer and place it under our palm tree, because he looks so natural there on the
rocks. I cover my eyes, I "plug"it....in. Huh? Oh my God! It's working! His head even moves back forth
like he's some kind of crossing guard! Hallelujah! That is Christmas magic!
I plug in the other one...Zzzzh, pop! His whole head doesn't light up! The body works But...Great!! I
got a headless reindeer! Wha'™s this? Some kind of Tim Burton "Nightmare Before Christmas!?"
I punted that #&% reindeer to West 71st Avenue! Bought a new one at Target. It works fine.
I've now recovered. My happiness meter stands somewhere between eating a lobster dinner and a Steelers
victory over Baltimore. And I learned valuable lessons:
1.) Always string the lights when they are plugged in.
2.) Never go to Walmart, even for toilet paper.
Now, if I could just convince my wife. Especially when that reindeer fails next year!
Walmart! And there are two of them! After negotiating the reindeer out of a box made for a squirrel, they can't
spend three more cents for a box that actually fits? The reindeer is so pretzel-ized, he looks like he just came
from a meat-packing company! After translating the instructions from Chinese to Spanish to English, I set it up
in the house before taking it outside.
I do it again for the second reindeer and place it under our palm tree, because he looks so natural there on the
rocks. I cover my eyes, I "plug"it....in. Huh? Oh my God! It's working! His head even moves back forth
like he's some kind of crossing guard! Hallelujah! That is Christmas magic!
I plug in the other one...Zzzzh, pop! His whole head doesn't light up! The body works But...Great!! I
got a headless reindeer! Wha'™s this? Some kind of Tim Burton "Nightmare Before Christmas!?"
I punted that #&% reindeer to West 71st Avenue! Bought a new one at Target. It works fine.
I've now recovered. My happiness meter stands somewhere between eating a lobster dinner and a Steelers
victory over Baltimore. And I learned valuable lessons:
1.) Always string the lights when they are plugged in.
2.) Never go to Walmart, even for toilet paper.
Now, if I could just convince my wife. Especially when that reindeer fails next year!
| How Walmart (Almost) Ruined My Christmas |
The first thing I need to put up is the tree, the Walmart fake tree,
because the wife is allergic to "real" trees. I put the tree up
and douse it with lights so the wife and I can put up our Christmas
ornaments we buy everywhere we go - from every place we ever
visited together, Hawaii, San Fran, Chicago, etc. But my job
is simply getting the tree erected and add the lights.
Did I mention this tree was bought at Walmart? I put it in its
stand and begin spiraling lights around it. The lights were
bought at Walmart. I plug in each set before, to ensure they
work, and carefully place them on the tree. First strand, second
strand and so forth until I overdo it with eight strands of
Christmas lights! Enough lights to light up Paris! After
constructing this affront to fire safety, I plug it in!
because the wife is allergic to "real" trees. I put the tree up
and douse it with lights so the wife and I can put up our Christmas
ornaments we buy everywhere we go - from every place we ever
visited together, Hawaii, San Fran, Chicago, etc. But my job
is simply getting the tree erected and add the lights.
Did I mention this tree was bought at Walmart? I put it in its
stand and begin spiraling lights around it. The lights were
bought at Walmart. I plug in each set before, to ensure they
work, and carefully place them on the tree. First strand, second
strand and so forth until I overdo it with eight strands of
Christmas lights! Enough lights to light up Paris! After
constructing this affront to fire safety, I plug it in!
Zzzzh, pop! The first and the third strands of lights die! "What the???" Now Santa won't be able to see my tree from
the North Pole! Dammit! Okay, I begin the process of taking all the lights off to get to the two strands that failed.
While I'm spinning the tree, undoing my careful placement of lights, I hear a "SNAP!" What was that? The plastic
(bought at Walmart) tree stand just broke! Now the tree won't stand at all! It keeps falling over as I'm taking the
fifth strand of lights off. I'm trying to hold the tree while lights are amassing into a spiders nest of knots. Did I
mention that the Steelers are on and they're losing to Cleveland! Holding the tree upright, I'm yanking the lights
off now like they're a spool of barbed wire. The common, everyday variety of four- letter words are morphing into
the twelve-letter type.It's halftime, so I make a run to Target to get new lights and a tree stand that is impregnable.
I come back, finish the job, stand back and admire my tree. It has lights but now half of its fake branches are
dislodged. Looks like crap, but it's up and Santa will be so blinded by its lights he won't be able to assess
its shoddiness. Whatever! Moving on!
After placing sixteen more hours of Christmas odds and ends over every square inch of the house, I'm done with the
inside. Did I mention the &%#$&%# Steelers lost to Cleveland! No longer in the Christmas Spirit. I'm somewhere
between a dog's death and a root canal on the happiness meter.
Next day at break of dawn, after a night of aspirin and whiskey, I'm ready to tackle the outside lights. We use the
"icicle"lights to trim the house. Living in Arizona, I wonder how you can give the illusion of icicles when it's over
80 degrees every day. But the wife insists they look "nice" - she bought them at Walmart for a "good deal."
I'm ahead of the game because I already have the nails in the eaves from last year, so all I have to do is string them
up. I know they're from Walmart, so I carefully check the lights by plugging them in to account for every bulb and
to ensure they're working. It takes three strings of 300 bulbs (900 total) to cover the front of the house. Standing
at the top of an eight-foot ladder, at great peril to my life, I complete the task with relative ease. Oop, I have an
extra two-foot of icicle lights hanging at the end. Hmm, how'd that happen? It fit perfectly last year? Oh well.
I get another nail and wrap the lights around the corner of the house.
the North Pole! Dammit! Okay, I begin the process of taking all the lights off to get to the two strands that failed.
While I'm spinning the tree, undoing my careful placement of lights, I hear a "SNAP!" What was that? The plastic
(bought at Walmart) tree stand just broke! Now the tree won't stand at all! It keeps falling over as I'm taking the
fifth strand of lights off. I'm trying to hold the tree while lights are amassing into a spiders nest of knots. Did I
mention that the Steelers are on and they're losing to Cleveland! Holding the tree upright, I'm yanking the lights
off now like they're a spool of barbed wire. The common, everyday variety of four- letter words are morphing into
the twelve-letter type.It's halftime, so I make a run to Target to get new lights and a tree stand that is impregnable.
I come back, finish the job, stand back and admire my tree. It has lights but now half of its fake branches are
dislodged. Looks like crap, but it's up and Santa will be so blinded by its lights he won't be able to assess
its shoddiness. Whatever! Moving on!
After placing sixteen more hours of Christmas odds and ends over every square inch of the house, I'm done with the
inside. Did I mention the &%#$&%# Steelers lost to Cleveland! No longer in the Christmas Spirit. I'm somewhere
between a dog's death and a root canal on the happiness meter.
Next day at break of dawn, after a night of aspirin and whiskey, I'm ready to tackle the outside lights. We use the
"icicle"lights to trim the house. Living in Arizona, I wonder how you can give the illusion of icicles when it's over
80 degrees every day. But the wife insists they look "nice" - she bought them at Walmart for a "good deal."
I'm ahead of the game because I already have the nails in the eaves from last year, so all I have to do is string them
up. I know they're from Walmart, so I carefully check the lights by plugging them in to account for every bulb and
to ensure they're working. It takes three strings of 300 bulbs (900 total) to cover the front of the house. Standing
at the top of an eight-foot ladder, at great peril to my life, I complete the task with relative ease. Oop, I have an
extra two-foot of icicle lights hanging at the end. Hmm, how'd that happen? It fit perfectly last year? Oh well.
I get another nail and wrap the lights around the corner of the house.
I ..plug..it..in. Zzzzh, pop! A two-foot section of the first
strand fail. It's up at the peak of the house. But they
always give you extra bulbs, just in case, so no problem,
right? Back to the top of my eight-foot ladder to try to
replace the bulb at the beginning of the failed strand.
Doesn't make a difference. I won't go into how many
times I tried to replace a bulb with one of the extras -
to no avail. Screw it! I'll go to Target and buy a new
strand. I come home. Oh no! They're green wires!
I need white! Back to Target. Okay, now I got the
right ones. I take off the first strand and replace it
with the new ones. "What the__?" I'm two-feet short!
Now I know where that extra two-feet came from!
I have to pull down all the lights that I spent all morning
putting up! Sassafrassing, riffing-raffing sons of! So,
now they're all finally up! Thanks Walmart...again!!
strand fail. It's up at the peak of the house. But they
always give you extra bulbs, just in case, so no problem,
right? Back to the top of my eight-foot ladder to try to
replace the bulb at the beginning of the failed strand.
Doesn't make a difference. I won't go into how many
times I tried to replace a bulb with one of the extras -
to no avail. Screw it! I'll go to Target and buy a new
strand. I come home. Oh no! They're green wires!
I need white! Back to Target. Okay, now I got the
right ones. I take off the first strand and replace it
with the new ones. "What the__?" I'm two-feet short!
Now I know where that extra two-feet came from!
I have to pull down all the lights that I spent all morning
putting up! Sassafrassing, riffing-raffing sons of! So,
now they're all finally up! Thanks Walmart...again!!
Let me issue a disclaimer before I enter into a diatribe about the failings
of the retail behemoth. I hate Walmart. I have always hated Walmart.
Walmart, to me, was the corporate nemesis to all the great things that
America was about. I hate that they use Chinese spinoffs and prison
labor to crush the human spirit and force other companies to do the
same thing, just to keep up. It doesn’t matter that these Chinese
spinoffs use lead paint or barium to create toys, as long as they are
cheaper than anyone else. They pay their employees abysmally, to
the point that they require public assistance just to live. I know of
a friend that works desperately at Walmart for 40 hours a week and
still needs to visit a food bank just to survive. Sam Walton's vision of
Walmart has been perverted into a monster with no heart, no soul and
certainly no virtue. Besides destroying the fabric of American society
they have destroyed the fabric of every society. But, I digress!
I try to never step inside of a Walmart, even for the smallest thing.
However, my wife shops there simply for the low priced Chinese crap.
She was a single mother and prides herself on being able to save a buck
using coupons and shopping at Walmart under the belief that Walmart is
cheap. I beg to differ but, I haven't been able to provide her with solid
proof that Walmart is only cheaper for some things and for the rest they
provide an inferior product.
Anyway, let's get to why Walmart ruined my Christmas!
I love Christmas. I have thousands of decorations stowed away in my
attic and it literally takes me hours just to get them all down. The wife
is no help with my addiction as she is always bringing more decorations
home to fill the cracks with knick knacks and reindeer racks. So when
I start decorating the house, it is a three-day frenzy of unpacking and
careful placement of each item that was lovingly stowed in its original
receptacle.
of the retail behemoth. I hate Walmart. I have always hated Walmart.
Walmart, to me, was the corporate nemesis to all the great things that
America was about. I hate that they use Chinese spinoffs and prison
labor to crush the human spirit and force other companies to do the
same thing, just to keep up. It doesn’t matter that these Chinese
spinoffs use lead paint or barium to create toys, as long as they are
cheaper than anyone else. They pay their employees abysmally, to
the point that they require public assistance just to live. I know of
a friend that works desperately at Walmart for 40 hours a week and
still needs to visit a food bank just to survive. Sam Walton's vision of
Walmart has been perverted into a monster with no heart, no soul and
certainly no virtue. Besides destroying the fabric of American society
they have destroyed the fabric of every society. But, I digress!
I try to never step inside of a Walmart, even for the smallest thing.
However, my wife shops there simply for the low priced Chinese crap.
She was a single mother and prides herself on being able to save a buck
using coupons and shopping at Walmart under the belief that Walmart is
cheap. I beg to differ but, I haven't been able to provide her with solid
proof that Walmart is only cheaper for some things and for the rest they
provide an inferior product.
Anyway, let's get to why Walmart ruined my Christmas!
I love Christmas. I have thousands of decorations stowed away in my
attic and it literally takes me hours just to get them all down. The wife
is no help with my addiction as she is always bringing more decorations
home to fill the cracks with knick knacks and reindeer racks. So when
I start decorating the house, it is a three-day frenzy of unpacking and
careful placement of each item that was lovingly stowed in its original
receptacle.