Happy Real Millennium!
This is part two of the trilogy of emails that by now, must be boring you. And to think, you have yet another to come! Just my little way of saying
everything. Because of sheer boredom and my real need of therapy, you will continue getting these updates until I get up off the couch of
conscience.
In the spirit of the new American holiday phenomenon, I've decided to include the football game I attended after returning from Atlanta. After all,
Christmas, in most parts, only involves the fixing of our retail economy and football.
The day after arriving from Atlanta at 11:30 PM, I had to get up for my twelve-hour work day at 5:00 AM. Would this deter me from going directly to
a football game immediately after work? Nah...Pitt is playing in Phoenix! That's right sports fans! The University of Pittsburgh have finally scheduled
enough patsies to make its way to a bowl game! And now they earned the right to play Iowa State. Just because Iowa State has not won a bowl
game in its 108-year history doesn't mean they're Carlow College. Although Carlow has never won a bowl game either.
The game has started an hour ago and Pitt is losing 20-7. My generous boss lets me off three minutes early and I use all of my pizza driving skills to get
to the game as quickly as possible.
Having worked at Bank One Ballpark a couple of years ago I still manage to have my badge. I'm in my total Pitt regalia of my Pitt sweatshirt, from two
logo changes ago, Pitt hat and "Pitt is it!" pin. Would this preclude me to enter for free under the guise that I'm working there tonight? Nah!
I fly up to employee parking and flash my badge. "Hey, you're late," the attendant worries as I save the ten dollar parking fee. "Yeah, I better hurry!" I
sprint up to the gate, frantically waving my badge and pretending to be talking on my French fry cell phone. Dressed as a Pitt hooligan and talking on a
McDonald's phone doesn't give them pause to questioning my free admittance. I just saved $48!
How far will this magical badge take me? I casually walk to the 50-yard line and sit three rows up behind the Pitt bench. Pitt scores immediately. I start
kissing this enchanted badge! Hey! I might be on television. I decide to call my Mom. Look at me Mom, I'm on the cover of the Rolling Stone! "That's
nice son, but I haven't seen you." "Well keep watching this football game that you have no interest in, just on the off chance that you'll see your son,
ridiculously dressed, being a fool!" "I'll put your father on..."
Pitt scores again! Boy, did this team need me! Security is so bad here, I'm thinking about putting a helmet on and blocking a punt. But now it is
halftime. So who else in the world would be watching this Ho Hum Bowl? I call my brothers and my buddy Jim. "Watch for me! This may be my 15
milliseconds of fame as they pan the crowd!" "Whatever, Nimrod...Don't get arrested."
As the second half starts, I decide that I'm getting about as much TV time Norm Peterson's wife, so I decide to move. Surely they are going to show
the cheerleaders. In a bold move I move to the front row right in front of them. Now if I had only made the sign that I was going to make:
Put
It
To
Those
-
Idiots
Out
Walking
Around
in a
STATE
Man, are these cheerleaders young! When did they start using 10th graders for Pitt cheerleaders? These nubile, young gymnasts are trying to inspire
the crowd after Iowa State runs back a punt return. Um...this doesn't feel right. I think I'll try to get on TV somewhere else.
Wait a second! They have the Oakland Raiderettes here, for some puerile reason. And since I hate the Raiders I have to hold to my principles and not
watch them...much.
This is turning into a pretty good game! It is 37-29, Iowa State but Pitt has the ball. You know there must be 35,000 Iowa fans and about 7,000 Pitt
fans. This could get ugly.
I decide to move next to the guy with the big Pitt flag. He gets on TV every time Pitt sneezes. But after our idiot quarterback throws into quadruple
coverage for an interception it doesn't look like they'll even catch a cold.
Well there's the gun. Pitt loses. All 35,000 Iowa State fans storm the field...me too. I run around smacking the Pitt players on the back. "Keep your
heads up, yinz had a good year." This doesn't make them any happier. Well you guys are no fun. I'm going to join in the celebration!
The Iowa fans start jumping on the goal post. Hey, why not? I jump up and grab a corner of the goal post! When am I going to get a chance to do
this again! "Hey, whose this guy with the Pitt shirt on our goal post!" "I'm just taking out my frustrations, guys!" The posts come down with relative
ease, I avoid death, and about thirty of them carry it off to midfield. They also tore down the other one. I go over to see the Pitt Coach, who is
protected by an Allegheny County Sheriff. He knows Uncle Dick! Who doesn't these days?
Well I did all the damage I can do. Time to leave. I have to be up again at 5AM! All the Iowa fans are real nice and tell me, "Good luck next year, Pitt
fan." "Yeah, if you guys can wait 100 years to win, I guess I can wait until next year. And don't burn down your city!"
Love,
Tall Tale Dan
SNEAKING INTO A BOWL GAME