Cha-Ching Yinz!
Well since you are tired of getting emails from Dan about his misadventures he has delegated me to write about his latest trip. My name is $Dan's Money$. It is only fitting that he appointed me to write this one as he made the egregious error of going to Las Vegas! I have a whole nation of relatives there and we all usually end up staying there permanently. Although he doesn't keep alot of my friends around, he sure manages to spread us around. I lost some friends in Pittsburgh and then he had the nerve to exchange some more for pesos in Mexico in less than a month! Now he is going to Vegas where all the rest of us will end up and probably that ugly shirt that he actually spent some of us on!
It started off well enough. He pulls out a whole bunch of us from all kinds of different places, some I haven't seen in years! Then he jammed us all together in his wallet and sat on us for three hours. We talked, partied and laughed! We even got to see Ben Franklin, who we haven't seen in a while. Next thing you know he has stopped in a place called Nothing, Arizona. I'm wondering what we are doing here? Well at least he can't spend us here, there's nothing in Nothing, right? I mean there is only four people whom live here, he isn't getting gas at the station and that ramshackle of a general store can't have anything healthy to eat. But he pulls us out and lays us on this filthy counter next to an array of junk: coffee mug, postcards, kitchen magnet and a glass encased scorpion? that all say Nothing, Arizona. Aw, tell me you are not leaving some of us with this 83-year-old guy who can only see his shoes! Do you hear him babbling on about the Battle of the Bulge, Erwin Rommel and Bette Davis' and Joan Crawford's cat fights! How does he know this stuff? Then the old man has the nerve to say, "Once you've seen Nothing, you've seen everything!" Give me a break! Poor Hamilton, he's probably going to be spent on moonshine!
Dan sits on us for another couple of hours and I can feel his butt tighten a few times as he is trying to pass tractor-trailers on this two lane road. It tightens even more as he is looking at the white crosses that look like a picket fence on the side of the road. This is one dangerous ride. He better slow down or I'm going to end up in some lawyer's pocket!
My watermark tells me we are passing a large body of water. Must be Hoover Dam. He left some of us here last time when he did the tour and bought some pins and kitchen magnets. What is with this guy? He's never seen a gift shop that he could pass up?
We are finally here! Las Vegas! He gets off of us and we are all crispy flat. This city is alot bigger than the last time we were here. Fastest growing city in America. Probably because of these pseudo-high rollers, like Dan, who lose their nest egg every time they're here.
We walk into the hotel, the Maxim. He realizes that he's lucky to get a room because they are having the Broadcaster's Convention here. We go to our room and he takes us out to see how many of us he can blow and to change his pants. You paid how much for this dump? Do you realize that the room is orange? Orange! And I haven't been laid on this type of furniture since the sixties! Luckily he only used that plastic money on this place or I would not have ever forgiven him.
We meet his buddies from Fort Lauderdale under the Eiffel Tower at the Paris Casino. Not even ten minutes and we are on our way to a casino! We'll be going home tomorrow! Or, at least he will. We are standing near the magnificent fountain outside of this swanky casino when a sharp gust of wind blasts us with water from the fountain. We are standing in a hurricane in the middle of the desert! Now we are all wet! But at least we are still in his pocket, for now.
Now he's all excited as his buddies come walking up. There's Rick! I remember him from when he was Dan's roommate in Florida during those days of Spring Break debauchery. He didn't have many of us then, but boy were we well spent! Rick is with his wife, Kelly. She's the one that talks funny, like John Adams from New England, "Pahk the Cah," and all of that. They ruthlessly kid her about it but she never says anything about, "gumbans." She's nice like that. But that never got John Adams on a bill.
Speaking of bills, his other buddy Bill is here too. He is a relentless prankster from Pittsburgh's Southside and now living in Florida. He asks Dan if he got all those off-color emails he sends. They laugh and laugh about champagne, Little Johnny and Blondes. His wife Kristy is there too. She is the youngster of the group and probably in charge of Bill's bills. But we find out she is a lousy mother, as she has no new photos of her two kids to hang out with her money.
We proceed to walk down the world famous Las Vegas Strip. Passing Caesar's, MGM, New York New York and the Bellagio they manage to find a sensible place to eat and not spend all of their money in one place. And at least they are smart enough to eat before losing all of their money. After eating, I'm bouncing around in Dan's pocket for a long time, as all they do is walk. In Vegas all you do is walk through casinos. Want to go to the bathroom, go through the casino. Want something eat, go through the casino! Have to spend more money on that spoiled dog of yours for a chew toy, go through the casino!!
We visit all the posh palaces of American excess. Caesar's, New York, the new Aladdin and the $2 Billion Bellagio. I can't begin to describe these places. The opulence is jaw dropping. Gambling is just a tax on stupidity. We stop wherever they will give Dan free drinks for the privilege of losing more of my buddies in their one-armed bandits.
Rick and Bill are staying at the Excalibur for free because of their gambling habits. Now I'm starting to wonder whom the stupid one is as Dan is paying a $100 per night. We end up back there so they can make their quota of losses to make up for their free room. Dan plays the slots and does fairly well, then not so well. Then great! It's a time-honored tradition. I'm like, "Let's go! Take your winnings and go home! No, he decides to try his luck at the blackjack tables. Big mistake. I guess that since Bill & Rick have become regulars the croupier decides to get back their winnings from Dan. He gets three 20's in a row, so does the dealer, push. He gets a 21! So does the dealer, push. Then he proceeds to get a series of 13 and 14's whereby he makes a series of errors on hit or stay. These Chinese dealers are ruthless! This place is fixed! Let's get out of here before I have to say goodbye to all of the Jeffersons. At 3:00 AM sleep saves the day by forcing Dan to quit. He will still have enough money for a guppy and soda cracker breakfast.
The next morning he gets up at the crack of noon, has breakfast and heads to the Sports Book. I'm feeling refreshed, green and thankful I'm still in his wallet. He is in his glory as the Pirates and Penguins are playing at the same time! With forty TV's displaying every sport known to man, they also get to watch the NFL Draft, NBA Playoffs, Horseracing, Australia Football, Mongolian Tennis, Mayan Pok-te-Pok, Philippine Finger Diddle and, of course, you can bet on them all. This is all very exciting to the girls, so they ditch us to head to the Luxor and Mandalay Bay. They return with wild tales of sharks, tombs and toys for the dogs.
After the Penguin victory, "Go Pens!" we decide to split up as everyone has their own agenda. They want to ride the rides on top of the Stratosphere and Dan wants to go to the Star Trek Experience. He's weird that way. So as Bill & Rick are shooting to the top of a 1149 foot structure at warp speed Dan is getting warped at Quark's Bar on Klingon Blood Ale. It's all great fun as he's posing with Klingons and Ferengis and trying to find the weirdest concoction available. He rides the ride, saves the galaxy, kicks some Klingon ass and, of course, goes to the gift shop. He spends 25 of us to boldly go and doesn't even meet Spock!
After being experienced he tracks down another old buddy from the hometown, Dormont. Jody Klug! Jody now lives in Las Vegas. I remember him from the old Dormonster softball team when Dan only had two of us bills in his pocket. We are now in the Nascar Bar. I know this because Dan is buying drinks and over tipping the waitress. They have Dale Earnhardt's car there. The unwrecked one, filled with written mementos. It is all very sad.
Jody looks like a million bucks. Maybe he can give some to Dan?...nah. Jody says he doesn't come down to the Strip too often and has saved enough money to buy a sailboat! Do hear that Dan? He takes his money sailing! The four Floridians meet us there and they head to what is billed the fastest roller coaster in the world. It is in the Sahara Casino. He plunks down another six Washingtons and we strap in. He better button my pocket! Spwoooooosh!!! AAAAAAghgghhhh! Whoaooaaa!!!! Ahhhhhhh! It is over.  42 seconds for the whole ride (0-60 in 3.5 seconds). Through a spiral, a loop and then it accelerates! You reach the top and do it all backwards! Now that is what I call action. I almost pooped nickels.
Next we head down to the Fremont Street Experience. This is a whole street covered with a dome of lights. 2.3 million of them! It plays different, goofy shows while playing funky music. All the casinos lights go out and every one jumps into the street to watch the extravaganza. Dan actually puts me away long enough to see it. It's a good thing, as he is losing on these slot machines. Next thing I know he is pulling some more of us out to pay for a football of draft beer? If he drinks all of that he is going to be dropping us on the ground! They also have a Mardi Gras parade coming down the street. They are throwing beads and a bigheaded Elvis is leading the way. I know this is hilarious but Dan is taking more pictures than he can afford...again. We head back to the hotel around 3 AM and it is RUSH hour on the Strip! Don't all these people know how to save their money? Put your Lincoln's to bed and go to sleep, you fools!
It's Sunday and finally time to get out of this money pit of a town while Dan still has a couple of the original millions of us left. He says he's eating breakfast with the Floridians. I just hope this is the one restaurant that does not have a slot machine in it. Oh no! They have Keno! I'm not going to make it. He's going to lose all of us here! Please don't offer to buy everyone breakfast! Whew...that was close! The sawbuck, the fin, a wooden nickel, the red cent and me made it out alive.
We are finally leaving! Goodbye to you Las Vegas! You tried your best but I'm still here with Dan and so is his shirt! Of course, we are with a lot less friends but we'll just send Dan back to the salt mines to get more of us. One of these days we'll be back and actually take home more of us than we came with. Dan can aspire to be like Kristy and win a big score like the $1,100.00 she won while playing cards! But for the next couple of months, I think I'll keep him home and make him eat TV Dinners.
As we head back down the freeway, Jody has to call from his sailboat to brag that he takes his money sailing again. Those lucky so and so's! Dan almost killed us all trying to avoid a donkey that has inexplicably jumped onto the highway. Wouldn't have that been a fitting end to his life. With my luck there will be a gift shop at the end of the light.
Hello All,
This is Dan. I just want to clear up a few exaggerations on behalf of that greenback ghoul. I only spent $267 of his little buddies while in Vegas. Not including the plastic money for the hotel. The way he was talking you would think I had been burning them to light my cigars! And don't take what he says too seriously, it's only money! Ha! HA! He hates it when I say that!
Yo Eleven!
Diamond Danny
P.S. Here is an excerpt from our Florida friends' trip back home:
Hope your trip home was good. Ours was a nightmare. After 2 1/2 hours of waiting for plane repairs (scary enough), they cancelled our flight. It took them 4 hours to get us on another flight (by then we are awake for 24 hrs, first time in my life I ever napped on an airport floor). They shuttled us to Denver on Frontier Air (who?) where we slept through the picturesque Rocky Mountains (a whole hour). Two hours later they got us on a United Airlines flight to MIAMI, not FTL. We arrived there at 6:30 pm eastern time and proceeded to find our way back to Broward. Luckily Shani (who works at Alamo and had Bill's car) picked us up there. Now that's a true Bud! Believe It or Not, our luggage also made it there with us (call Ripley's). We finally made it home 12 hours after we were supposed to be home. But we are now safe and sound and will never travel America West again. They should have known that if there was a problem with the plane to start rebooking immediately. Oh well! Vegas was still a blast and seeing you there increased it.
Dan's Money Goes to Vegas!