| LORDS OF THE THINGS |
| In a time not so distant, in a land not so far away, a quest was begun. From time immortal, the peoples of the south had trekked their way to the land of Norte. The hordes would crash upon its boarder like water on rock. Faced with the proposition of degrading poverty and desolate lands they saw the lands of the Norte as eternal springs of hope and treasure. But the greener grass was filled with parasites and ones who would slither through its underbelly searching for the weak and desperate to prey upon. |
| It was during this backdrop of time that 13 brave souls, in search of adventure, sand and sea would forge their way to the lands of the South against the rolling tide of Hispanic humanity. A fellowship was formed and these 13 life-weary travellers plunged away from their docile security in life to conquer, tame and squeeze the reckless abandonment of their souls for nothing more than unadulterated pleasure. These 13 of different lifestyles, homelands and temperament would push themselves to the limit of endurance while in pursuit of the one realm, the one age, the one...thing. These 13 would become known to peoples of the South as "The Lords of the Thing." |
| The Kings of Toyland had been invited to participate in the quest by none other than the formidable foe of safe driving, Brian, "Tengo Mucha Prisa" (I'm in a Hurry) Friedman. Along with his lovely wife, Jennifer "Piernas" (Legs) and her brother, Josh "The Muchacho of Mayhem," we set out from the ancient lands of Phoenix, south to the forbidden doorway of desperadoes, the country of cucarachas and the world of Cabo Wabo...Mexico. Riding along with them with their white broncos was the always pleasant, "Three Alarm Chili" Heidi. The Kings of Toyland felt especially honored to be included with the likes of these royal pains in the burros. I, Daniel "No Rapido" Rush, had gathered the other (bald) heads of state, Kenny "Tres Equis" (XXX) and Jimmy "Senor Gato" (Cat Dude) to venture forth with me on this most dangerous adventure. My silver stallion (CR-V) had a bad shoe (threadbare timing belt) but was up for the challenge of guiding us through the wastelands to the Spanish Dominion on the coast of the Sea of Cortez. |
| Soon we found that two other members of the Round Mesa (Table) had joined our quest, Brian "Tijuana Taxi" and Natalie " Ojos Azules" (Blue Eyes). They had brought their own steeds and talents that would be inherently vital to our quest. The Tijuana Taxi would prove to be invaluable as the"Designated Haul Our Burros" to the far reaches of the citadel. Ojos Azules was the only member who spoke the native language with fluidity. Besides that, she could tango like the wind does with the trees! |
| Our journey moved along swiftly as we careened at breakneck speeds to keep up with unlimitless power of the white broncos. Barely slowing at the specter of death they charged to the first way station in the desert of doom, Gila Bend. A dusty outpost on the outskirts of familiar things we stopped to feast at the welcome respite of the Kingdom of Burgers. We still had a full hour of galloping to do to reach the border and all of its imperils. "Tengo Mucha Prisa" was soon spurring his bronco into thoroughbred speeds and the others and I are driving our horses into the ground to keep pace. I curse his very existence as my loyal silver stallion is moaning under the relentless push of my spurs. But as the fool, George Costanza, would say, "We're making great time!" |
| We have now sidled up to edge of darkness. We are at the brink of all knowable knowns. Everything and anything we do beyond this point could land us in a perpetual dungeon. The extra satchels of gold that I bring are not for Cuban cigars, they are for bribes! We are at the Mexican Territorial border. We purchase what they call Mexican Insurance because our insurance is no good in Mexico. We have paid our first bribe, $34.57 for the weekend. The horse feed (gas) has also been inflated to an exorbitant rate, $2.39! Outrageous! The highwaymen are alive and doing very well robbing the travellers of the world! I will never enter Mexico's boundary at the incredible price...Huh? Oh, we are still in our own land? You mean they are charging us the outlandish prices to expand the coffers of that irascible thief, King George Bush of the Columbian District!! Balderdash!! |
| "Tengo Mucha Prisa" has informed us that we have little over an hour to get to our next destination which is three days away. We will now be speeding through bandito territory and we are the banditos! After smiling meekly at the border guards who are armed like Orcs, we are soon crossing the plains of Mexico at 150 km/h! This translates into about 95 cubits per hour! The squalor and dire straits of these people is heart wrenching. The number of buildings that have been started, then looted, and then never finished is astonishing. I think about jumping down from my high horse, grabbing a shovel and begin building a foundation for a new hospital to help these poor people but...I cannot as we must continue to speed to our castle on the ocean! The quest must come first, according to Brian "The Gonzales of Speed." We charge to our destination in a final flurry of dust, oil and stressed out nerves. We have entered the coastal city of Puerto Peñasco, a.k.a., Rocky Point. The dizzying array of signage would be worse, except I cannot read most of them. The ones I can read are laughable: "Alien Beef Jerky," "8/12 Store," a poor man's 7-11 and "Pharmacia - Viagra, Steroids, Levitra and Bubblegum." Talk about a cocktail! I bet that stuff will help my quest! |
| We stop to gather supplies. Of course you cannot drink the water here in Shadowland and we brought plenty of it. So the only other supplies we will need are the magical elixir, cerveza or better known as beer. We stop into one of the many distributors and find that they do not sell Corona here! Since Mexicans believe you need fruit with your beer, chances are small we will find anything good. We buy an army's worth of "Sol" beer and find out we have to return the bottles! There goes the fireplace toasts to good health! |
| The highlight of any trip to Mexico involves legally buying Cuban cigars. Of course we cannot bring them back with us to our homeland but they may be enjoyed casually after our attainment of the "Thing." I buy three of the aromatic stogies for the Kings of Toyland. The cost is mucho. 150 pesos ($15 each)! I do not like to peso much! But for the enjoyment of compadres, I will pay any price! That's why they call me King Bling Bling! |
| As we turn towards the coast and to our ten-million peso Castillo, we pass the remarkable Library of Los Conchas and the bones of a prehistoric dragon that was slain in another epoch. The road turns to dust and we reach the kingdom of which will rule from, "Los Conchas." Here from the ruins of the Mayan civilization, rise hundreds of rental castles that were built for the narcissistic Americans who bedevil this town when they are bored. Ours is a magnificent, three-story, white monolith along the shores of the sea. Tile as far as the eye can see, a satellite dish and a view that stretches your peripheral vision until it snaps. We get lost in its passageways while claiming room rights. I claim one room but I am unable to find it again! We unstock our supplies and hit the beach. There will be no dragon slaying today. Debauchery is the order of the day and the drinking has begun! |
| The Damsels have decided it is time to eat. We have chosen a restaurant that was recommended for our feast or fiesta, whichever. We all pile ourselves onto Brian the Tijuana Taxi's horse and make our way to the village to eat at "Aqui es con Flavio" An establishment as loud as a Gondorian horn, on the water and away from Orcs. It is here that we meet some others of our growing fellowship. Karsten, "El Hombre" and his lovely senorita, Rebecca "Bonita Booty" have been lingering long here for our arrival. There is much joy. |
| As we begin seating ourselves at 8:30 PM we are informed by the wait staff that the cooks are tired and will not be cooking anymore food! What?! Siesta time again! The level of hospitality of this land has taken a serious blow in my eyes. We go next door where they have begged us to come in. Bad portend number one. Still in doubt what the Mexican food will do to my gastronomics, I order dead animal, filet mignon. The others feast on the local fare without much distress. As I begin to eat the carcass they have served, I begin to believe that I'm eating Smarty Jones! Any contamination will have to be killed with alcohol. Much laughter later we are back at the Castillo. We head to the parapet at the top of the castle to enjoy the star show. Our arms tire from pointing out the shooting stars. We can see the milk of the Milky Way! But this serene scene comes to crashing halt as the Muchacho of Mayhem (on right) has decided that life is not worth living without the benefits of Captain Morgan. He does that stupid pose from the commercials and avers, "Thou who have snatcheth me spirited grog shall be slain with thy Frisbee!" Disaster is averted as he finds it where he left it and promptly drops it. |
| The new day is upon us and it is met with hunger. We gallop to the outer banks of the citadel and find an oasis of plenty in this land of the needy. We are at the famed Playa Bonita (BeautifulBeach) Resort. We pay shillings for a feast as we are awash in ocean breezes. I gird my loins for my first taste of local culinary. It is awful. I have pancakes instead. We pose for paintings to commemorate the occasion. We decide to walk the shores of the sea and revel in the sun while scoping damsels. We are soon faced with mortal danger as we encounter a monster from the deep! It has washed itself ashore to attack unsuspecting heroes. I unleash my fierce pocket piranha and soon an epic battle ensues! The ornery sea serpent is cast aside and our leisurely walk continues. The pocket piranha gains the spoils of being a victor and relaxes by having a cigarette. |
| We once again ride our steeds through the Plains of Peñasco. As we approach the castle we find ourselves beckoned by the final members of our fellowship, Chris "Viva Santana!" and Lisa "Rubio Inteligenté" (Intelligent Blonde). These two escapees from the hinterlands (Philadelphia) have been on our trail for miles and we greet them with much merriment. The final pieces are complete! The true fellowship has assembled and the quest can now begin in earnest. These 13 hearty "Warriors of Wonder" can take homage in knowing that if one should falter...the others will run. |
| The fellowship decides that it will be best to scout locations by dividing up. The young decide to embolden their skills by playing chariot (ATV) games. Some may find this a good day to die, some will surely better their skills but all are surely out of their minds. The Kings of Toyland will ready themselves for the quest by lounging near the beach head and working the hammer throw (Frisbee). |
| The fellowship reassembles and it is time to find the one mark, the one move, the one "thing" that will change life for all of mankind. But not before the last supper! We return to our favorite food establishment and eat as if it is our last meal. For some, it may be, for others, it is an excuse for debauchery. Soon we are dining on snake, playing with the band and drinking shots of tequila off each others bodies. We are threatened with ex-communication by the local dignitaries for our un-knightly ways. I, the most sober of personalities, tried to corral the insanity but it is out my hands! Soon though they realize their quest could end in ignominy and it is time to find our "Thing." |
| And we believe it is at the discotheque! We charge hard into battle. Limbs are flailing, feet are flying and the horrid screams of pain and suffering are heard above the din of dance music. Yes, I am dancing. The battle rages on through blood, sweat and beers. It seems as if there is no end in sight. Beautiful women inundate the floor. I am surrounded and am soon beating them off with my Irish jig. I fall in exhaustion but am able to amass the crew to continue on in battle. Our horses have left the battle field and we are forced to ride each other. The fellowship has fought with singular bravery and we have won the night. We leave only to be confronted by the largest catapult known to mankind! Wanting to better understand the complexities of the enemy's weaponry we hail two volunteers to sit in it while they are projected hundreds of kilometers into the air. Rubio and Tres XXX put their lives on the line and are hurtled skyward to the domain of the Gods. Cradled in a giant gum band they raise and fall at the speed of a horse with its tail on fire. Bouncing like a piñata that has been struck by Sammy Sosa they become green to the gills and as dizzy as a margarita on frappe. Brave souls indeed, foolish, but brave. Do not they realize there is no OSHA here! |
| Having had the opportunity to attain the one "Thing" we all have had thirst for we realize we have one final day to enjoy on escape to the Spanish Dominion. After packing our gear and bidding farewell to our royal castle we head to the local aquarium for insight into the many strange and bewildering animals that were swimming around our feet. It is ghastly! Sea Turtles the age and size of Shelly Winters, jellyfish the color of peanut butter and moray eels that are...moray eels! We amuse ourselves by feeding the seals as the "bark"; at us. But the conditions that these poor creatures exist in are woeful. They would be better off in Lake Erie. |
| We had one final sortie to carry out before we could resume our trek back to the "Land of Norte," a shopping spree! We traverse the Mexican landscape in search of the purveyors of pulp and circumstance, or more commonly known as the "Dirt Mall." Hobbling through the dirt roads of Mexican enterprise we finally come to a dusty street of clapboard shops and adobe huts. Lined along this Rodeo Drive of ready wear are thousands of wares from all parts of the world: Cuban cigars, Iranian leather ware, Mexican pottery, Peruvian undergarments, Indonesian t-shirts, Belgium glasswork and even American Barbies that are made in China. We tease the merchants with interest while flashing dinero as they sink prices to entice us to buy junk for pennies on the dollar. I buy embroidered t-shirts and other assorted sundries of disuse. Brian has enlisted OjosAzules to entreat the vendors to lowering their poverty selling prices more. He buys a chiminea, a free standing Mexican fireplace pot that is popular in the Southwest. |
| The Kings of Toyland decide it is no longer in our best interest to follow "Tengo Mucha Prisa" back to our realm and depart full of desire to get back to MacDonald's, Sears and OSHA safety. We manage to find our way to the border. As I pull up to the guard station I notice the Border Patrol agent is distracted by some malevolence in another line. I suppose he has no interest in welcoming us lordships back from our wide adventures in Shadowland so I proceed to spur the horse and move on. Just then the Border Guard explodes, "Where do you think you are going?! This is an International Border! You must stop! Apologetically, I shrug my shoulders and say, "Do you know who I am!! I'm the King of Toyland, Emancipator of the Barfinians, Holder of the Royal Scepter of Dormont and a Steeler fan!" Unexpectedly, he did not fall to his knee to kiss my ring. "Whatever, give me your license." I started to think back to all of my sins and hoped they would not appear on his green screen. With King George W. in office I may be killed for that minor transgression of burning down my high school. "Okay you Royal Scepter Holding Steeler Freak, on your way." The indignity! I harrumphed and goaded my steed back to the realm. |
| As Brian "Tijuana Taxi"; and Natalie "OjosAzules" made their way across the border they were asked if they had anything to declare to Customs. Taxi replied, "Just that POT in the back. Oops! I didn't mean "Pot" I meant chiminea!" Too late, they searched him. |
| So what was the "Thing?" What was worth all of this adventure and danger to cross into an unknown foreign land and possibly die from eating a tainted ice cube? I guess it depended on who you asked. For "Tengo Mucha Prisa" it was to entice friends to mortal danger and see how they would react under extreme pleasure. For Jennifer "Piernas,"it was to get curled and grope a mermaid. The Muchacho of Mayhem was in search of the ultimate buzz and got stung. "Three Alarm Chili" Heidi received the body shot she always wanted and was awarded the distinguished "Shrimp Rider of Peñasco" award. But for others such as Brian "Tijuana Taxi" and Natalie "OjosAzules" it was to dance with royalty (it's my story!) and riding the flock to its destination. Karsten, "El Hombre" and senorita, Rebecca "Bonita Booty" found out more about each other and that Rebecca liked Lisa more than him, bummer dude! Lisa "Rubio Inteligenté" (Intelligent Blonde) learned she had musical talent to go along with her goofy dancing. Chris "Viva Santana!" found that his Thing was that stupid game, Jenga. As for the Kings of Toyland, they mastered the Toys. Jimmy "Senor Gato" (Cat Dude) also proved to be an excellent dancer but we never did cure him of that revolting mermaid fetish. Kenny "Tres Equis" (XXX) lived up to his name by returning from the beach naked as someone took his clothes but he also managed to make one hell of a Frisbee catch! Me, I achieved more than all. I managed to survive Mexico! |
| Asta la vista! |
| Cactus de Acero |
| (SteelCactus) |
 |