Lights, camera, action! Ah, yes, a familiar refrain
in these parts.  Words that inspire and exhilarate
as a starlet's eyes twinkle, a leading man palms
his hair back and the clack of a studio clapboard
rings out.  We have seen this scene so many times
that we take it for granted that it is Hollywood
but we are in a darkened theater.  Oblivious to
the future that awaits us.  We are awaiting
surprise, action, romance or fun.  What shall it
be?  Who would know?  Of course, the director
would and maybe the key grip but only the star
can put all of the nuances of a story together
with mere facial expression.  There is only one
true star that carried all of these pretensions and
pretendings to its height, the indomitable,
beautiful and regal, Linda Jean!

It was my extreme luck that landed me the part

as the chauffeur on her whirlwind tour of galas
and premieres.  Rocco, my boss, called me at
my bungalow screaming about his number one
river, Frederico, crashing into a bus and that

they had no one to drive their greatest client,
Linda Jean, as she makes her way through
Southern California.  Here I am up to my
elbows in plumbing work and he is asking me
if I want to drive Hollywood's biggest star
around the most beautiful part of the world!  
I dropped my wrench, scrubbed my
fingernails raw and donned my monkey suit
before he could say goodbye!

Imagine me, a $12 per hour chauffeur, having the

privilege of driving the lovely Linda Jean!  The
star of stage and screen will be directing me to
Turn Left!"  I could not wait!  "I've seen all of
er movies!  "Better Pasta than Your Mom's"
was one of my favorites!  "My Garden Kicks
Your Ass" was another.  Linda Jean! Just imagine!

The itinerary stated that I was to pick her up at

her swanky resort in Phoenix at 8:00 AM sharp
and drive her to Hollywood for the late afternoon
premiere at Mann's Chinese Theater.  Her latest
offering was a thriller in which she played vixen,
Victoria Vallerone, the girlfriend to Mafia Don,
Geno DeChancie.  Caught in a web of deceit and
working for the FBI she kills the Don in a final
scene that had critics exclaiming, "Linda Jean's
best work since "My Brother Tried to Stab Me!"  
They gave her Best Actress and Best Supporting
Actress for the same role in that one!

I arrive at 7:32 AM with baited breath, sweaty

palms and a pie-eyed expression that had the
doorman chuckling, "You look like a star struck
stalker!"  Little did he know, I was.

Fully expecting a large entourage to fill my

twelve-passenger CR-V, I was quite surprised to
find that Linda Jean was only with her co-star in
the movie, Diane DeLish.  Miss DeLish was a
star in her own right.  She captured audience's
attention while playing a minor role in, "Reunion
Royale"  But her big break came when she
played the lover in Daniel Rush's masterpiece,
I Make Daddy Happy"

I flew around the car to open the door for the

lovely ladies, only to be beaten to the punch by
the doorman.  I bowed with cap in hand as they
ducked into the limo without any eye contact.  
They were stars and me, a driver.  I hustled to
the wheel and began to flabbergast about the
honor bestowed on me by their presence as
Linda Jean sternly said, "Let's go!"  Exiting the
resort and soon meeting up with the highway we
were now on our way to Tinseltown, five and
half hours distant.  The ride was uneventful and
a little tense as I could not get a word in edgewise
as they spoke amongst themselves about leading
men, gardens, buying big bras and paparazzi.  
As we passed the thousands and thousands of
windmills in Indio she actually spoke to me the
first-time, "Where's a bathroom?"  I almost
wrecked!  I am on her planet!  She needs me!  
I am actually useful to this brightest star in
Hollywood!  I responded that we could swing
by Palm Springs and maybe found one that
was suitable for a star of her magnitude.  She
said, "Go to MacDonald's.  It's just pee."  
Oh, she is so down to earth!

We finally make it,
Hollywood and Vine, one of
the most famous corners in the world!  Lana
Turner was discovered there, the Hollywood
Walk of Fame runs it course here and Scientology
abducts its members here.  People start crowding
around the Honda Limo trying to see what big
star is here now.  The tinted windows are
Hollywood's greatest need.

With flashbulbs popping we pull up to
Chinese Theater fashionably late.  The throng
lunges forward as I pull open the door and out
steps the famous gams of Diane DeLish.  With
a curtsy she spins to invite out Linda Jean.  
The crowd goes wild!  The Chinese Theater
with all its history, famous hand and footprints
and huge premieres has never seen anything
like this!  Linda Jean pauses long enough to have
her photo taken with one of her favorite co-stars
handprints, Dean Martin.  She and Dean were
an item back in the day and played opposite of
each other in, "I Ask for Roses You Bring Daisies."  
Martin and Lewis never worked together again.

After the stunningly successful
premiere, Linda
Jean demands that we go to the Hollywood
Wax Museum to see some of her old friends.  
Humphrey Bogart,, The Beverly Hillbillies, the
M*A*S*H Unit and the cast of Bonanza are
all there.  We even ran into Johnny Depp while
outside!  He asked her to star in his next movie,
Pirates of Pittsburgh."  After a shopping trip on
Rodeo Drive and a stop at the World-Famous
Santa Monica Pier we head to the 3rd Street
Promenade for dinner and drinks.

They have started to warm up to me now as I

have performed the Herculean task of keeping
the autograph seekers and paparazzi at bay.  
Hey Driver, open our champagne!"  "Hey
Driver, get us more ice!"  They truly respect me!

After a comfortable stay at the incredible

Bonaventure Hotel in Downtown L.A., they
filmed "True Lies" glass elevator scene here, we
head to the World-Famous Venice Beach for
breakfast.  People here are used to celebrities
but Linda Jean is another story.  They
haphazardly form a 400-foot queue just to get her
autograph as she sips mimosas at the Book Store
Restaurant.  She is so open and giving to sign
very single one even when one young creep
keeps begging her for a date.  She sees Muscle
Beach, shops and eats ice cream just like
normal folk.

Along the way we
've run into some of friends and
co-stars, Russell Crowe, Tom Hanks, the
Governator, Butch & Sundance, and the Men in
Black. She has worked with all the old stars!
Hugh Hefner is still trying to get her to pose for
his magazine!

Our next premiere is at
Balboa Park in San Diego
and we have enough time to take the breath-
taking, scenic stroll down the Pacific Coast
Highway (US 1).  But first we stop at the Mattel
oy Company in El Segundo, California to have
her photos taken so she can be made into
Barbie's newest doll friend.

We drive along the coast past the quaint hamlets

and lapping ocean of towns like, Newport Beach,
Del Mar, Cardiff By the Sea and the incredible
town of La Jolla.  Here we stop for photos along
the ocean and shopping in its beautiful galleries.  
We have a real scare when Diane is almost blown
into the sea!  But we recover enough to have these
lovely shots taken.  But in one of the fragrance
shops, the paparazzi tracks Linda Jean down
and get some photos of her that will surely end
up on the cover of People.  The poor girl cannot
get a break!  But she does allow me one photo
with her and I'm going to have it framed.  Oh, a
nd we found this strange coincidence.

We have lunch at the
World-Famous Anthony's
and then head to Balboa Park for her premiere.  
Beautiful Balboa Park boasts nine museums and
acres of flowers.  As we stroll in the magnificent
multi-colored tile of the Artisan Courtyard she
tries to talk to Diane into being the Re-Bath
Spokes Model.  Linda Jean is the largest
shareholder you know.

After another s
uccessful premiere in San Diego,
Linda Jean is ready for the 3-D attack, dancing,
dining & drinking.  We hit the clubs, learn some
things, have hoopla and soon it is time to leave.
Before & After photos.

My flash burned eyeballs are ready to give out

and I have to drive back to Phoenix.  I know
this was one of the best weekends I've ever
ave, again. Hanging with the  "Royalty of
People" and a true shining star in the realms
of high-celebrity is something I'll never forget.  
Ms. DeLish and Linda Jean get out of the car
and pass me a fiver, I'm selling it on ebay!

Dano the Driver