Good Eveeeening. Welcome to my soiree in honor of the Hallowed Eve. May I take your hat and cape? Don't mind the rats, they'll scatter. You are looking
particularly appealing with your hair in a nest and your makeup of burnt torch ash. We expect a cornucopia of characters whose bedeviling ways are
sure to make for a frightening night.
I am your host, Count Down. I will introduce you to my fiends...I mean friends, as they appear at the castle gate. Beware of Cerberus, the hideous hound
of dread. She's been known to eat children, couches and badly coifed clowns. I dressed her as an angel to defer suspicion. But after she is done
gnawing on the entrails of a few guests, there will be no more doubts to her identity. We keep her around because we prefer the living hell that she
affords us.
We have a few moments before our honored dead arrive so let me give you a tour of the castle's luxuries. Say hello to Ogore, our butler. I know he looks
like the Grim Reaper but he is really an amiable chap. Just don't get him talking though; he gets all animated. His eyes light up and his jaw never stops
moving. We may have to wire it shut. Amongst the Billiard Parlor you will find trinkets of hobgoblinary. Beware of our pet bat, Belfry. He is quite jittery
whenever it gets noisy. He swoops at the most inopportune times. To your left your will find the lavatory. We have annexed the Bates Motel for your
peeing purposes. The dead blow-up doll in the shower has been deceased since 1960 so don't worry about privacy. And my Mother hasn't used it in
years! The next door is where we keep the skeletons. So don't bother trying to find the closet. Across the hall, you will find the Dungeon. It has all the
amenities that you would expect. It comes complete with whips, chains, a mace, swords and even licorice. We rent this room out on a weekly basis.
The last door on the left is the Shrine. It is the most hallowed place of all. There are images of the Gods; icons to the iconoclasts and a new wing will be
unveiled later to the snakes (Diamondbacks). Bow lightly, and recite words from the Gunner's Book of Ecstasy, "You can kiss it goodbye!" And last but
the very least, we have the Pleasure Palace. Where me and the Missus...well, you know...sleep!
Now please come outside where we have erected a graveyard. Slumbering amongst the rocks are some of the most famous ghouls of the last century.
I hope you can see the gravestones and crosses amongst the imported fog. Yes, imported fog! We've had it shipped from eerie ol' London in this handy
dandy container. You press a button and it blows out giving the atmosphere and an at home feel for anyone from Jack the Ripper to a denizen of LA.
First amongst our notables are Will B. Back and his lovely wife, Helen Back. The dog keeps pooping there, so they are in no hurry. Diane T. Seeya is on
your right. As we proceed up the cactus path, you will see the grave markers for Liv Fast and Di Young. The lesbian lovers lived a productive short life
and left such pretty corpses. And here, with the whole world looking for him, is Osama Bin Laden, but he is dead and buried in our backyard! We put a
cross on his grave just to tee him off. The hound does his duty there also. Barry Alive, Lon Feed and Daisy Pusher also reside in our cemetery of
celebrity. I hope you enjoyed the tour but I must now tend to the body part pasta before our guests arrive.
There's the knocker! Our first ghoulish guests have arrived! Greeeeeetings! Well, if isn't Vending Machine Kelly and her sadly mistaken husband, God's
Gift to Women, Tim. He is wearing a Christmas box with a ribbon on his head. The tip was the tag that says, "From: God, To: Women. Otherwise, I might
have thought he was box of jelly doughnuts! But his wife looks particularly appealing with an assortment of Doritos, Ruffles and snack bars pinned to
her body. I'd had thought if she was to dress as a machine it would have been a gun! She makes fast friends with the Hound from Hell, as the hound
loves Doritos. The refugee children from our Iraqi neighbors are next to arrive. They are dressed like Muslims and one is a Lion. They bring us an
Anthrax cake, which is sure to be a hit, or a mist. I think they are really here to pay homage to Osama but they wreck my pool table instead. The undead
are beginning to arrive in droves now. My favorite modern era actor has come! It is none other than the star of the Scream trilogy, Joe! I remind him to
only gut people in the bathroom for easy cleaning. Hank Hill, a.k.a., Steve is here to help finish the keg with his lovely wife, Lady Liberty, Teri. She is sure
to be a star spangled success as every red blooded American will defend her honor tonight. And with Joe around we may find out how red that blood is!
We will have plenty of food at this shindig as the McDonald twins have shown up. The Royale with cheese, JoAnne and the famous fries, Julia are
looking particularly tasty. This beef Patty will never ketchup and relish the moment until she gets out the pickle and says open sez a me! Our next guest
is a little hard to define. With lips that cover his face from ear to ear, a snappy suit and a cowboy hat, I could have sworn it was Howard the Duck or Paul
Williams as Boss Hogg. But much to my delight it was, our winner of original thought, Jeff, Corporate Butt Kisser. All he was missing was the brown
nose! Pucker up, puckered butt!
The medical community will be well represented here tonight as Doctor Kenny Death and Nurse Diane came along with Laura the Physical Therapist.
All of them will be tending to the needs of Patient Pat. He claims to have fallen on my sidewalk but luckily he didn't bring a lawyer as part of his
entourage. Doctor Death specializes in Krevorkianism but isn't very good at it. With a neck wound and a bullet hole in his head, he's still walking around!
With Nurse Dread and PT Laura tending to his needs there is no wonder Patient Pat is smiling despite a cracked skull, broken foot and mental illness.
But it also may have something to do with his medicine, beer.
Oh my! One of my previous victims has arrived. It is Vampiress Stefani. I hope she still doesn't hold a grudge about our last encounter. I had told her, "I
vant to suck your blood!" She said, "Okay!" But after I did...she went batty! She is here with Cinderella. I wonder if she knows this is not the Ball. She
won't find a Prince here. We have a Biker dude and his girlfriend. And there is the drummer from Judas Priest. But he came with his own groupie. And I
know she is not going home with Gandhi. All he is interested in is shrouding the whole castle in fog! Gandhi made his pilgrimage all the way from
Albuquerque to be here. Hey Gandhi, these people aren't starving. We got two meat trays! You better just keep going. Cinderella still has both glass
slippers, so no fairy tales here. Actually, I invited the evil stepsisters; she's just party crashing and slumming. We'll call her Ghettorella.
Keli the Cowgirl and Carrie the Cowboy??? are here. At least they have brought the spirit of the old west with them. When men were men
and...well...never mind. Carrie the Cowboy/girl has a bigger package than I do! Ahhh, let's move on. Have you met the Hawaiian tourists? They are all
liquored up on Poi Juice. But they are aware enough to keep the Hell Hound from getting hit by the car of Dr. Death when he arrived. We didn't even
know she escaped! But these two are just looking to get lei-d, now that they're married!
Speaking of the devil, he is here! He left his usual environs of Pittsburgh to be here. The horny little devil has managed to sway an Angel to come as his
guest. He's a tricky bastard. The Angel still has her wings although she is destined for a fall. We may see the battle royale for all of humanity later when
these two mate.
Wow, did I just flashback! How much have I drunk? Are we in the sixties? When you live as many eons as I have you lose track of decades. But I swear I
just saw one of my Berkeley buddies still wearing his psychedelic clothes and giving the peace sign. Well, if it isn't Rob the Hippie Dude! "Groovy man!
Where you been shacking dude? Introduce me to your red hot Mama, the Queen of Hearts. You never did play with a full deck. Whoa, it looks as if you
knocked her up? Way to go man, you are the hippest cat in all of Transylvania. Now donÂ’t be smoking any bones in the graveyard! Catch you on the
Excuse me, I don't usually allow such a glimpse into my days of my misspent youth. But he only understands that certain jargon. It's the drugs you know.
Oh excuse me, once again, I see a cowgirl looking for a pony. It's that sexy Texan, Leigh. You look fangtastic! Now you just sit yerself down before all the
men stretch out their britches.
The Royal Princess Jenny has arrived and it looks as if her date, Brian, has lost his head over her. The headless corpse has now bumped into
everything in the house so we insist that he take a seat. Now we can't get him off the throne! He has brought an alcoholic's brain with him and I think it
may be mine!
My dear friends, get the torches! The Frankensteins have arrived! His lovely bride would make Elsa Lanchester jealous. Chris Frankenstein must have
the eyes of Romania Fats and the hands of Liverace; he's killing everyone on the pool table, literally! And the spiders on Lisa Frankenstein's wedding
dress were a particularly nice touch. They will be tough to beat for the best-dressed competition.
They just keep coming. It's like the night of the living dead! Adam and April of the Middle Ages have arrived and brought the plague. They are dressed
like wealthy landowners. I've been told that April has huuuuugge tracts of land. But I am crushed to find that Adam has taken proprietary rights for them.
Here comes our Interior Decorator. He's here to ridicule our castle's architecture. He has rug samples stapled to his body to better illustrate his deep
hatred towards our decor. But he has nothing but raves for the layout of the Shrine. He says we should expand it to encompass the whole house!
Our last arrival has come to put an end to all this devilish revelry. It is nun other than Sister Mary Margaret! She has a bad habit of bringing down the
party with her dogma. But she has left her ruler at the rectory. I was going to have her run the Dungeon torture ride! All the Catholic boys think she is hot.
But I know that it is some kind of twisted Freudian fantasy that I want. Did I say that out loud?!
Now that all the ghouls have arrived it is time for the unveiling of the castle's newest pride. The new wing of the World Champion Arizona
Diamondbacks in the shrine! It is with great delight. blah, blah, blah, tada! It takes more than nine Yanks to beat our Johnson! I can assure you that they
are all very excited. Now turn your attention to my Mazeroski bobble head! Hey, where is everyone going? Come back!, Philistines!
The big moment has arrived to crown the best character of the 2001 Annual Halloween Party! After meticulously adding up the votes, Layla, the Hell
Hound wins! No, just kidding! In third place we have Barbie the Ghettorella, er, Cinderella! Those pumpkins were just dying to get out of there! In
second, we have Hippie Dude! Somebody tell him when he comes out his haze. And the Grand Champion is none other than: Mrs. Frankenstein! Mr.
Frankenstein bullied enough voters to get the Fascinations Super Store gift certificate! Good luck with that!
Well, thank you all for coming, get the hell out, and we'll see you next year!
Count Down
P.S. I was really dressed at this party with Barbie Dolls attached to me. I went as a "Chick Magnet!"  How unfortunate and how untrue.